“Is it really ok?”

When people ask about my family,

They always do that weird awkward “Oh…” when I tell them that my Dad is dead.

They never quite know what to say next so go for the safe option of “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I add to their confusion by saying “It’s ok he died a long time ago when I was a kid.”

They never quite know how to respond to that.

The thing is, it’s never really ok.

You never get over loss.

It always lurks there in the background.

Just that some days, weeks, months are easier than others.

Sometimes it creeps up on you, and takes you totally by surprise delivering a painful punch to the heart,

And it can be hard to shake off that anguish when it hits hard.

Mostly these days I do feel ok,

But Birthdays, anniversary of his death, random flashbacks due to smelling or seeing something that remind me of him still delivers a painful punch to the heart.

All these years later I have more good days than bad,

So it is easier to say “It’s ok” in response to others reacting to the news that my Dad is dead,

But it never really means that I’m truly ok,

Because how can one be,

When you lose someone you love so much?

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